The Light Within

I breathe in the crisp fall air as the last of the sun’s light fades into the deep darkness of night. The cool air dances across my skin, sinking deep down until I feel a chill throughout. It is both unpleasant yet revitalizing. The intensity of cold hits my system and reminds me of life the within my body. The life within my flesh is magnified by the icy discomfort. I breathe in deeply and close my eyes to soak in the moment. Feeling my breath hit deep within me, to the place where it touches the soul. The connection makes my heart skips a beat. A smile dances across my face as I gaze up at the dark sky and look upon the stars shining brightly. Oh, how the sky feels more like home than any other place I’ve been. My spirit stirs within me, yearning for places I have not known.

The stars beckon to my soul. As though they are old friends reaching out. Whispering secrets from eons past. I long to roam freely through the cosmos. An ever shining light that travels years through the expanse of darkness searching for someone to recognize the magnificence of my soul’s inner radiance. Looking for those lost in the endless night, to guide them along until they find their own inner radiance. For only a few know what it’s like to shine brightly through the great dark ether, hoping for one day someone will see your light. Years of travel through the dark abyss to find the one who’s heart will sing at the sight of your soul’s shining.

Yet still my body feels at home among the trees, as they know how to reach for the heavens while remaining firmly grounded. They breathe in that which suffocates and turn it into life sustaining air. My heart’s greatest desire is to be like them. To transform that which poisons the world surrounding me, all the pain, all the loneliness, and show others how love can transform it into gratitude and wisdom. To show how we’re all connected and one with the flow of life.

For there is a river within each of us. Ever flowing, never knowing for sure if it’s path will bring it back to reunite with the Source. An ocean of oneness in a world full of drought. The river knows that with such shear power it doesn’t matter what obstacles lie within its path. For partnered with the currents of time, the river has nothing that can withstand it. Water flowing only needs time to transforms what is in its path. For even one day the rock will be shaped by its current.

If only these words may flow and reach out to touch another’s soul. To find those who feel lost; those searching and yearning for that which cannot quite be explained. To comfort the lonely. Those who feel beaten by the waves of crashing down on them. Lost in a crowd who is blind to the greatness that lies within. Do not fret. Do not faulter on your journey. Your contribution to the world is far greater than you can imagine. It is only once you see it that you will truly be free. Remember it is human nature to overlook the beauty of the world. Do not doubt the power you retain, due to the few who are too blind to see the magnificence of the universe that resides within you.

Realistic Positivity

fabian-moller-401625-unsplash.jpgIf you know me at all, or follow me on Instagram, you will know I am all about those positive vibes. Whether it is Law of Attraction (positivity attracts positivity). Or just down to the science of Psychology and what powerful effects positive thinking can have on your well-being. I am on board! I try to spread it everywhere and use it to get through the challenges of life and especially, the challenges of chronic illness. But I wanted to talk briefly about, realistic positivity. As it seems so often we’re bombarded with messages of “just be positive!” and there’s a point we all reach where that isn’t realistic.

I’ve had chronic pain for a while, but over the last few months it has gotten a lot worse. With horrible flare-ups that just hurt to my core. While I continue to battle for a proper diagnosis, I still am trying to get the pain under control. Due to my holistic wellness training and desire to heal my body rather than band-aid the issues. I have had a lot of issues with finding solutions. Even being adamant about not wanting narcotics, western medicine treats chronic pain with extreme suspicion. Which I understand for the addiction issues, but for a patient who doesn’t want to go down that road at all, it is still an extremely frustrating and often dehumanizing experience. For the past few months I felt like a ping pong ball being batted back and forth between doctors. Yet even clearly stating I do not want narcotics, I was verbally spat on. I kept at it and finally I was referred to a specialist. It would take months to get an appointment, but I was so hopeful this would offer me some solutions for my pain. My primary even ran scans and tests ahead of time so that I would be set for this appointment.

I’ve been driving myself for weeks to just get to that appointment, to use the pain, and have it drive me. Thinking I’d finally have options and potential answers. I got there almost an hour early, only to be rushed through intake. To find out they never even looked at my scans/tests, and had to only see the Physicians Assistant. Who would shush me every time I tried to speak. He was robotic and barely even looked at me. I felt like I wasn’t even aloud to speak, let alone hurt. I don’t feel like I was heard and I wasn’t given any viable options from the visit. It was a waste of time and it left me crushed. Then today I had a flare-up, which hit me hard. And you know what? I let it. I got the kiddo off to school, I looked at my schedule and set aside the none-essential things. Which gave me a couple free hours today. And I let the sadness, frustration, and pain wash over me. I gave myself permission to cry, be upset, feel sorry for myself, wallow. Just gave myself permission to feel. I let all those emotions that I don’t want to dwell on, pass through me. Because if I keep going like they’re not real, I will burn out. They’re a part of life. And I so often see people who believe in the power of positivity, carry this guilt of having a bad day. Yet, we’re only human and no one can realistically be positive 100% of the time. Even if you can, I think it is a disservice to your experience in this existence. Because it is part of life and it is essential to allow all things to balance out in life. But the key is to allow yourself time to let it pass through you, and not dwell inside you. It is just a moment in time and it will pass. It is just energy and it will pass.

I could go into more depth about all the specialists I’ve seen and how they treat me like I’m subhuman. How much having a disability requires me to constantly advocate, not only for myself but others as well. Just never-ending avocation and work to get through all the barriers that happen in just “normal” existence. But that is seriously enough for an epic book. One you gotta let me know would want to read. As I don’t want to just rattle on with stories.

My main point is, if you’re going through some stuff. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself permission to take a break from trying to be “on top of it all”. Learn to tell the difference between allowing negativity to take up residence in your life, and just allowing experiences to flow through you without attachments. Because life is really all about energy. There’s good and bad. While we try to maintain the positive, negative energy has to be around for balance. Most importantly with all this, please, learn if you need to take out time to retreat inward during a bout of treacherous energy. Or if you need to reach out. It can be isolating and I am so grateful for the support system I have. Don’t let it isolate you if you need someone (I’m here if you wanna talk!).

We just need to learn to not attach self-worth to the current flow of energy. So, we’re capable of navigating through it.

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